Why,
yes. It has been a while. And yes, my commitment to the blog that I
began last year is pretty indicative of how well I respond to most commitment
in general. It makes me panic. It makes me wonder if it is worth my
time.
You
know, because I have very important drinks to pour and well, these nachos aren’t
going to eat themselves now, are they?
I need
to get back to writing again. It clears
my brain and gets out all of that crap that is swirling around in my head that I
perseverate on so I can objectively analyze the situations. It keeps me sane. I haven’t been doing that lately. Hence, my impending inevitable insanity! Gah.
I tried having a relationship recently.
That didn’t exactly go well. At
all. While it was reassuring that it
wasn’t the commitment part that was the issue as I suspected may be a source of
anxiety for me, it was more the fact that I was pretty unhappy with where I was
at in my life. I had lost myself without
even knowing it. And, I feel like I
dated a person who fed on that a bit too much in order to make himself feel
better about where he was in his life. I
wanted to be happy. I wanted it to
work. But I couldn’t control that. I had no say in the matter and I allowed
myself to remain in a situation where I feel that I was not being respected as
an equal. Mainly, because I clearly had
stopped respecting myself. *Don’t allow
yourself to be with anyone who judges you constantly. Just don’t.
It is super uncool. Trust
me.* I could go on and on about that but
I won’t. This blog isn’t about him or “us.” (Which will shock the hell out of him because
isn’t EVERYTHING about him?) This blog
is about me. ME. My life.
My experiences. My thoughts. I am going to use it to express myself
honestly and openly. Why? Because I feel like I need to in order to get
back to who I am again. It is easy to
lose sight of that person when the world becomes overwhelming and the tide of
life is ripping you from the safety of your personal shore. But you have to keep swimming. I need to write again because if I do not
have this touchstone, I know that I have a tendency to forget who I am and I
stop making decisions that are in my best interest. It is okay to put yourself first
sometimes. I need to practice this.
There is
only so much compartmentalization a person can do until they just splinter into
pieces. This is my attempt to pull all
aspects of my life and personality together.
I do not have to hide all of my emotions. I am human, dammit. It is okay to act like one. I fuck up.
I laugh. I cry. I love. And, I do
things right sometimes too. I may have
problems. But I also have
solutions. I focus far too much on what
I lack as a person which doesn’t allow me to see what I actually do
possess.
I had
tried to allow myself to trust people more freely. That backfired on me in a huge way and set me
back a few steps. But anyone who knows
me, knows that setbacks just fuel my desire to reach my goal. And my goal here is to be honest with myself
and to learn that it is okay to not have everything figured out. It is okay to be who I am. And it is okay to be pissed off at anyone who
expects me to be any different. This blog
is going to be my exercise in seeing that while I do not have a paved road in
front of me to follow, my uncharted path along the way to wherever my
destination ends up being will be a wonderful ride if I just let it be.
I commit
to myself to be honest with my true feelings.
To state my fears. To make myself
laugh. To smile. To do one thing every day that makes me
happy. And, I commit to writing
often. You? Now, you do not have to read this. You have to commit to nothing except showing
respect if you are going to read about my life.
No one is making you do that. So
whatever negativity you may have or disagreement you may feel toward what I
post, that’s cool. Start your own freaking
blog then to bitch about it. Feedback is
great. I welcome it. But don’t be a troll. Thanks.
Welcome
to my weird world, friends. Thanks for
reading this as I spring clean my mind.
**Also, I cannot seem to log into my former blog that is at: chickuninterrupted.blogspot.com. Wasn't worth the frustration. If I figure out what is up, I will merge the two eventually. Maybe. But that is where my rat stories (Argh!) are.... And, I cannot seem to figure out how to change my format. Any suggestions because I am too irritated to figure it out on my own anymore today...
